Language of Letting Go - May 2014

[MajestyJo]

Thursday, May 15, 2014

You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go

Taking Risks

Take a risk. Take a chance.

We do not have to indulge in obviously foolhardy or self-defeating risks, but we can allow ourselves to take positive risks in recovery. We cannot afford to keep ourselves paralyzed.

We do not have to keep ourselves stymied and trapped out of fear of making a mistake or failing. Naturally, we will make mistakes and fail from time to time. That's part of being fully alive. There are no guarantees. If we are waiting for guaranteed courses of action, we may spend much of our life waiting.

We do not have to shame ourselves or accept shame from anyone else, even those in recovery, for making mistakes. The goal of recovery is not to live life perfectly. The goal of recovery is to live, learn our lessons, and make overall progress.

Take a risk. Do not always wait for a guarantee. We don't have to listen to "I told you so." Dust yourself off after a mistake, and then move on to the success.

God, help me begin to take healthy risks. Help me let go of my fear of failure, and help me let go of my fear of success. Help me let go of my fear of fully living my life, and help me start experiencing all parts of this journey.

Was told this early in recovery. I was told if I wanted to grow, I had to let go of the fear of putting the next foot forward and I had to expand my horizons. I had to have faith in my God and the program and know it would work for me too.

[MajestyJo]

Friday, May 16, 2014

You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go

Self Love

"I woke up this morning and I had a hard time for a while," said one recovering man. "Then I realized it was because I wasn't liking myself very much." Recovering people often say: I just don't like myself. When will I start liking myself?

The answer is: start now. We can learn to be gentle, loving, and nurturing with ourselves. Of all the recovery behaviors we're striving to attain, loving ourselves may be the most difficult, and the most important. If we are habitually harsh and critical toward ourselves, learning to be gentle with ourselves may require dedicated effort.

But what a valuable venture!

By not liking ourselves, we may be perpetuating the discounting, neglect, or abuse we received in childhood from the important people in our life. We didn't like what happened then, but find ourselves copying those who mistreated us by treating ourselves poorly.

We can stop the pattern. We can begin giving ourselves the loving, respectful treatment we deserve.

Instead of criticizing ourselves, we can tell ourselves we performed well enough.

We can wake up in the morning and tell ourselves we deserve a good day.

We can make a commitment to take good care of ourselves throughout the day.

We can recognize that were deserving of love. We can do loving things for ourselves.

We can love other people and let them love us.

People, who truly love themselves do not become destructively self-centered. They do not abuse others. They do not stop growing and changing. People who love themselves well, learn to love others well too. They continually grow into healthier people, learning that their love was appropriately placed.

Today, I will love myself. If I get caught in the old pattern of not liking myself, I will find a way to get out.

Found that once I learned to love myself, I had to learn to like myself.

[MajestyJo]

Saturday, May 17, 2014

You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go

Boundaries

Sometimes, life and people seem to push and push. Because we are so used to pain, we may tell ourselves it doesn't hurt. Because we are so used to people controlling and manipulating us, we may tell ourselves there is something wrong with us.

There's nothing wrong with us. Life is pushing and hurting to get our attention. Sometimes, the pain and pushing are pointing toward a lesson. The lesson may be that we've become too controlling. Or maybe we're being pushed to own our power to take care of ourselves. The issue is boundaries.

If something or somebody is pushing us to our limit, that's exactly what's happening: we're being pushed to our limits. We can be grateful for the lesson that's here to help us explore and set our boundaries.

Today, I will give myself permission to set the limits I want and need to set in my life.

Something so important to recovery. I need to set them out of respect for myself and protect myself from other people's stuff. They were hard for me because my son and ex-husbands, tended to ignore them, step over them, and disrespected me as a person. If I want respect, I have to earn it. I am worthwhile, and I have a right to respect my space. If they knocked them down, I had to reinstate them. If they were ignored, I had to remind them that they were there. Boundaries can be set near and far, and it is up to me as to who I let into my space, and how close I will allow them to come into my life.

[MajestyJo]

Releasing boundaries begins at the level of the heart as we unwrap the barbed wire of resentment and non-forgiveness that keep certain people from the embrace of our caring. It continues as we are willing to cross the no-man's-land of negativity about differences of ideology, religion, culture, or practice that we do not understand and, therefore, fear.

Understanding and connection grow as we sit and talk together, taking time away from chronic busyness to create the sacred space to truly be with each other, look into the eyes across from us, ask questions, and share answers that give birth to awareness and insight. Collaborative possibilities for new creation are born as we welcome the collective wisdom that emerges from our
communication carrying us past doctrine to revelation.

- Dr. Kathy Hern

Rev. Dr, Kathy Hearn has been a practicing Religious Scientist since 1980, ordained by Rev. Terry Cole-Whittaker in 1985 and by UCRS in 1989. She founded Pacific Church of Religious Science in San Diego where she was Senior Minister for 15 years. She has been active in the leadership of UCRS, having held the positions of President and Vice President of United Clergy of Religious Science and Vice Chair of the International Board of Trustees. She is the former Director of Holmes Institute--San Diego Regional Center, and is an instructor in the Holmes Institute Graduate School of Consciousness Studies. She served as Chair of the
Organizational Renewal Project and as a Member of the New Organization Design Team.

Most recently, she was awarded an honorary Doctor of Divinity degree at this year's Annual Gathering in Albuquerque. Rev. Kathy is the mother of two wonderful children, Ian and Susana, and she lives in La Jolla, California. http://www.revkathy.com/


Please include link back to Antesian Road To Enlightenment in forwarded material antesianroadtoenlightenment-subscribe@yahoogroups.com

NOTE: So much of my belief system was made up of old tapes and other people's concepts and beliefs. It wasn't until I made God personal, that I was able to determine what God meant to me. I couldn't restrict Him/Her/It with my narrow outlook and limiting beliefs. I realized was God was all things, and is revealed daily when I am open to be learning. Boundaries can be restricting or freeing. Blocking out the old and making room for the new hope and belief.

I see it more as letting people in, no matter what their beliefs and circumstances into our lives. People who may not think and act like us, people who are different. For me, they are saying they can enrich my life and I can learn from them. Old tapes and thou shall nots can keep people out because we are programmed as to what is right and what is wrong or they don't live up to our standards and we need to let go of our resentments and prejudices. i.e. Often the look on a person's face when they find out that I use to be an alcoholic and street people, people who have lost everything and have no home, often through no fault of their own who just got caught up in the system. How many people resent people who are on welfare and resent them as a person because they feel they are paying their way. I was on welfare, left with a teenager, with no car and no food with no idea as to whether I would have a roof over my head and food to put in his or my stomach.

People look at my disease and think it is worse than their own. They only use people, they didn't use alcohol. There was a time when I use to look at a person and say he used heroin, I only used pills. It all leads to the same soul sickness. We are no greater than, no less than any other addict in the rooms. People in Al-Anon and Nar-Anon are addicts just as much as the people in their lives. They are addicted to caretaking, they are codependent and they are looking outside of themselves to make them feel better. How do I know? Been there and wore the T-Shirt. I had the thinking long before I had the drinking and drugging and can still have the thinking even though I haven't drank or drugged in twenty-one years.

I think that this means that I need to put down the walls and love everyone. They are all children of God and are just as deserving of love and forgiveness as the next person.

Now I could be wrong on this, but that is what I got from the reading.

From my site Caressa's Spiritual Place



...knowing my boundaries does not mean forcing others to change; it means that I know my own limits and take care of myself by respecting them.

- Courage to Change


For so many years, I did not respect myself, I allowed others to come first and discounted my needs. Knowing my limits today are important, not only setting boundaries with others, but acknowledging and reminding myself not to overdo.

It is important that I respect my needs and do what I need to get them met, not just with my family, but with other people in my life.

Think this was posted on the old site.

[MajestyJo]

Sunday, May 18, 2014

You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go

Don't stop living your life!

So often, when a problem occurs, inside or around us, we revert to thinking that if we put our life on hold we can positively contribute to the solution. If a relationship isn't working, if we face a difficult decision, if we're feeling depressed, we may put our life on hold and torment ourselves with obsessive thoughts.

Abandoning our life or routines contributes to the problem and delays us from finding the solution.

Frequently, the solution comes when we let go enough to live our life, return to our routine, and stop obsessing about the problem.

Sometimes, even if we don't feel like we have let go or can let go, we can act as if we have, and that will help bring about the letting go we desire.

You don't have to give up your power to problems. You can take your focus off your problem and direct it to your life, trusting that doing so will bring you closer to a solution.

Today, I will go on living my life and tending to my routine. I will decide, as often as I need to, to stop obsessing about whatever is bothering me. If I don't feel like letting go of a particular thing, I will act as if I have let go of it until my feelings match my behavior.

Lived my life through others for so many years. Put my life on hold waiting for others to make up their mind as to what they want to do.

What I learned in recovery was, "Live and Let Live." Live my own life and let the As in my life live theirs.

When I say As, I mean the alcoholic, addict, and/or abusive person in my life.

[MajestyJo]

Monday, May 19, 2014

You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go

Solving Problems

"Shame is the first feeling that strikes me whenever I, or someone I love, has a problem," said one recovering woman.

Many of us were raised with the belief that having a problem is something to be ashamed of.

This belief can do many damaging things to us. It can stop us from identifying our problems; it can make us feel alienated and inferior when we have, or someone we love has, a problem. Shame can block us from solving a problem and finding the gift from the problem.

Problems are a part of life. So are solutions. People have problems, but we, and our self-esteem, are separate from our problems.

I've yet to meet a person who didn't have problems to solve, but I've met many who felt shamed to talk about the problems they actually had solved!

We are more than our problems. Even if our problem is our own behavior, the problem is not who we are - it's what we did.

It's okay to have problems. It's okay to talk about problems at appropriate times, and with safe people. It's okay to solve problems.

And we're okay, even when we have, or someone we love has, a problem. We don't have to forfeit our personal power or our self-esteem. We have solved exactly the problems we've needed to solve to become who we are.

Today, I will let go of my shame about problems.

About 15 years ago, I was sharing with a young guy who came up to me after a meeting. He said, "I can't seem to get by the shame." I said if you take the me out of shame, you are left with a sham.

I had to realize that my addiction dictated my life. I kept making the same mistake over and over again, and expecting this time to be different. It wasn't about prescription drugs and alcohol, it was about relationships too.

[MajestyJo]

Tuesday, May 20, 2014

You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go

Sadness

Ultimately, to grieve our losses means to surrender to our feelings.

So many of us have lost so much, have said so many good byes - have been through so many changes. We may want to hold back the tides of change, not because the change isn't good, but because we have had so much change, so much loss.

Sometimes, when we are in the midst of pain and grief, we become shortsighted, like members of a tribe described in the movie Out of Africa.

"If you put them in prison," one character said, describing this tribe, "they die."

"Why?" asked another character.

"Because they can't grasp the idea that they'll be let out one day. They think it's permanent, so they die."

Many of us have so much grief to get through. Sometimes we begin to believe grief, or pain, is a permanent condition.

The pain will stop. Once felt and released, our feelings will bring us to a better place than where we started. Feeling our feelings, instead of denying or minimizing them, is how we heal from our past and move forward into a better future. Feeling our feelings is how we let go.

It may hurt for a moment, but peace and acceptance are on the other side. So is a new beginning.

God, help me fully embrace and finish my endings, so I may be ready for my new beginnings.

It is okay to feel sad, it is a natural feeling. For me, it is about how long I wish to stay there, and let it slide into depression, or pick up the tools of recovery, process it and let it go.

Sadness is part of the grieving process. Grief is not always about the loss of a loved one, it can be a change in their life style, a change in your own life, like a job, a friend, an hold habit or behaviour from your past.

I was told it could be anything that is a detour on life's journey. It can be as simple as a detour on your road to work that means you have to leave 10 minutes earlier for work.

It can be a change in medication or the fact that you have to go on one. Don't play doctor with your life, but get the fact, the whys and wherefores.

[MajestyJo]

Stages of grief.

http://psychcentral.com/lib/the-5-st...d-grief/000617

http://grief.com/the-five-stages-of-grief/

http://www.recover-from-grief.com/7-...-of-grief.html

[MajestyJo]

Wednesday, May 21, 2014

You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go

Getting Needs Met

I want to change careers . . . I need a friend . . .I'm ready to be in a relationship . . .

Regularly, we become aware of new needs. We may need to change our behavior with our children. We may need a new couch, love and nurturing, a dollar, or help.

Do not be afraid to recognize a want or need. The birth of a want or need, the temporary frustration from acknowledging a need before it's met, is the start of the cycle of receiving what we want. We follow this by letting go, then receiving that which we want and need. Identifying our needs is preparation for good things to come.

Acknowledging our needs means we are being prepared and drawn to that which will meet them. We can have faith to stand in that place in between.

Today, I will let go of my belief that my needs never get met. I will acknowledge my wants and needs, and then turn them over to my Higher Power. My Higher Power cares, sometimes about the silliest little things, if I do. My wants and needs are not an accident. God created me and all my desires.

It was after reading this that I named one of my original sites on MSN Get Your Needs Met. Have always believed that my God meets my needs, and sometimes my wants and desires too, if the motive and intent are coming from the right place.

[MajestyJo]

Thursday, May 22, 2014

You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go

Times of Reprogramming

Do not ask for love unless you're ready to be healed enough to give and receive love.

Do not ask for joy unless you're ready to feel and release your pain, so you can feel joy.

Do not ask for success unless you're ready to conquer the behaviors that would sabotage success.

Wouldn't it be nice if we could imagine ourselves having or becoming - and then immediately receiving - what we wanted? We can have and be the good things we want. All good things are ours for the asking. But first, groundwork - preparation work - must be done.

A gardener would not plant seeds unless the ground was adequately prepared to nurture and nourish those seeds. The planting would be wasted effort. It would be wasted effort for us to get what we wanted before we were ready.

First, we need to become aware of our need or desire. This may not be easy! Many of us have become accustomed to shutting off the inner voice of our wants, needs, and desires. Sometimes, life has to work hard to get our attention.

Next we let go of the old programming: the behavior and beliefs that interfere with nurturing and nourishing the good. Many of us have strong sabotaging programs, learned from childhood, that need to be released. We may need to act as if for a while until the belief that we deserve the good becomes real.

We combine this process with much letting go, while we are being changed at the core.

There is naturalness to this process, but it can be intense. Things take time.

Good things are ours for the asking, if we are willing to participate in the work of groundbreaking. Work and wait.

Today, God, give me the courage to identify the good I want in my life and to ask for it. Give me also the faith and stamina I need to go through the work that must be accomplished first.

Really like this, can't process it in the moment, in too much pain. Hopefully I can remember to read it again tomorrow.

[MajestyJo]

Friday, May 23, 2014

You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go

Enjoyment

Life is not to be endured; life is to be enjoyed and embraced.

The belief that we must square our shoulders and get through a meager, deprived existence for far off rewards in Heaven is a codependent belief.

Yes, most of us still have times when life will be stressful and challenge our endurance skills. But in recovery, we're learning to live, to enjoy our life, and handle situations as they come.

Our survival skills have served us well. They have gotten us through difficult times - as children and adults. Our ability to freeze feelings, deny problems, deprive ourselves, and cope with stress has helped us get where we are today. But we're safe now. We're learning to do more than survive. We can let go of unhealthy survival behaviors. We're learning new, better ways to protect and care for ourselves. We're free to feel our feelings, identify and solve problems, and give ourselves the best. We're free to open up and come alive.

Today, I will let go of my unhealthy endurance and survival skills. I will choose a new mode of living, one that allows me to be alive and enjoy the adventure.

As I have said many times, "If you aren't enjoying sobriety (soundness of mind) in recovery, what are you doing wrong?"

Life is for living. I didn't get clean and sober to stay in survivor mode.

[MajestyJo]

Saturday, May 24, 2014

You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go

Letting the Cycles Flow

Life is cyclical, not static. Our relationships benefit when we allow them to follow their own natural cycles.

Like the tide ebbs and flows, so do the cycles in relationships. We have periods of closeness and periods of distance. We have times of coming together and times of separating to work on individual issues.

We have times of love and joy, and times of anger.

Sometimes, the dimensions of relationships change as we go through changes. Sometimes, life brings us new friends or a new loved one to teach us the next lesson.

That does not mean the old friend disappears forever. It means we have entered a new cycle.

We do not have to control the course of our relationships, whether these be friendships or love relationships. We do not have to satisfy our need to control by imposing a static form on relationships.

Let it flow. Be open to the cycles. Love will not disappear. The bond between friends will not sever. Things do not remain the same forever, especially when we are growing and changing at such a rapid pace.

Trust the flow. Take care of yourself, but be willing to let people go. Hanging on to them too tightly will make them disappear.

The old adage about love still holds true: If it's meant to be, it will be. And if you love someone, let them go. If they come back to you, the love is yours.

Today, I accept the cyclical nature of life and relationships. I will strive to go with the flow. I will strive for harmony with my own needs and the needs of the other person.

They say our cycle changes every 7 years. I have only 3 months to the end of my 3rd cycle. Even when I look back at my life from birth, there was events in my life, that were lessons, but I took them on as resentments.

[MajestyJo]

Sunday, May 25, 2014

You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go

Loving Ourselves Unconditionally

Love yourself into health and a good life of your own.

Love yourself into relationships that work for you and the other person. Love yourself into peace, happiness, joy, success, and contentment.

Love yourself into all that you always wanted. We can stop treating ourselves the way others treated us, if they behaved in a less than healthy, desirable way. If we have learned to see ourselves critically, conditionally, and in a diminishing and punishing way, it's time to stop. Other people treated us that way, but it's even worse to treat ourselves that way now.

Loving ourselves may seem foreign, even foolish at times. People may accuse us of being selfish. We don't have to believe them.

People who love themselves are truly able to love others and let others love them. People who love themselves and hold themselves in high esteem are those who give the most, contribute the most, and love the most.

How do we love ourselves? By forcing it at first. By faking it, if necessary. By acting as if. By working as hard at loving and liking ourselves as we have at not liking ourselves.

Explore what it means to love yourself.

Do things for yourself that reflect compassionate, nurturing, self love.

Embrace and love all of yourself - past, present, and future. Forgive yourself quickly and as often as necessary. Encourage yourself. Tell yourself good things about yourself.

If we think and believe negative ideas, get them out in the open quickly and honestly, so we can replace those beliefs with better ones.

Pat yourself on the back when necessary. Discipline yourself when necessary. Ask for help, for time; ask for what you need.

Sometimes, give yourself treats. Do not treat yourself like a pack mule, always pushing and driving harder. Learn to be good to yourself. Choose behaviors with preferable consequences - treating yourself well is one.

Learn to stop your pain, even when that means making difficult decisions. Do not unnecessarily deprive yourself. Sometimes, give yourself what you want, just because you want it.

Stop explaining and justifying yourself. When you make mistakes, let them go. We learn, we grow, and we learn some more. And through it all, we love ourselves.

We work at it, and then work at it some more. One day we'll wake up, look in the mirror, and find that loving ourselves has become habitual. We're now living with a person who gives and receives love, because that person loves him or herself. Self-love will take hold and become a guiding force in our life.

Today, I will work at loving myself. I will work as hard at loving myself as I have at not liking myself. Help me let go of self-hate and behaviors that reflect not liking myself. Help me replace those with behaviors that reflect self-love. Today, God, help me hold myself in high self-esteem. Help me know I'm lovable and capable of giving and receiving love.

No one hurt me more than me. I was my own worst critic. I beat myself up royally, if I didn't meet my expectations and that of others. I had to learn to lower my expectations, love myself unconditionally. Perfectionism, people pleasing, and care taking were part of my disease. I had to learn to love and care for myself, so that I had something to share with others. As they say in Al-Anon, "Let it begin with me."

[MajestyJo]

Monday, May 26, 2014

You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go

Gossip

Intimacy is that warm gift of feeling connected to others and enjoying our connection to them.

As we grow in recovery, we find that gift in many, sometimes surprising, places. We may discover we've developed intimate relationships with people at work, with friends, with people in our support groups - sometimes with family members. Many of us are discovering intimacy in a special love relationship.

Intimacy is not sex, although sex can be intimate. Intimacy means mutually honest, warm, caring, safe relationships - relationships where the other person can be who he or she is and we can be who we are - and both people are valued.

Sometimes there are conflicts. Conflict is inevitable. Sometimes there are troublesome feelings to work through. Sometimes the boundaries or parameters of relationships change. But there is a bond - one of love and trust.

There are many blocks to intimacy and intimate relationships. Addictions and abuse block intimacy. Unresolved family of origin issues prevents intimacy. Controlling blocks intimacy. Off balance relationships, where there is too great a discrepancy in power, prevent intimacy. Caretaking can block intimacy. Nagging, withdrawing, and shutting down can hurt intimacy. So can a simple behavior like gossip -- for example, gossiping about another for motives of diminishing him or her in order to build up ourselves or to judge the person. To discuss another person's issues, shortcomings, or failures with someone else will have a predictable negative impact on the relationship.

We deserve to enjoy intimacy in as many of our relationships as possible. We deserve relationships that have not been sabotaged. That does not mean we walk around with our heads in the clouds; it means we strive to keep our motives clean when it comes to discussing other people.

If we have a serious issue with someone, the best way to resolve it is to bring the issue to that person.

Direct, clean conversation clears the air and paves the way for intimacy, for good feelings about ourselves and our relationships with others.

Today, God, help me let go of my fear of intimacy. Help me strive to keep my communications with others clean and free from malicious gossip. Help me work toward intimacy in my relationships. Help me deal as directly as possible with my feelings.

Posted on this the other day, don't feed into it, don't listen to it. Don't repeat things, and only with someone else's permission, unless you heard it from the original source.

Word out mouth and man's interpretation, can often get changed in the telling.

[MajestyJo]

Tuesday, May 27, 2014

You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go

Recognizing Choices

We have choices, more choices than we let ourselves see.

We may feel trapped in our relationships, our jobs, our life. We may feel locked into behaviors such as caretaking or controlling.

Feeling trapped is a symptom of codependency. When we hear ourselves say, I have to take care of this person . . . I have to say yes . . . I have to try to control that person . . . I have to behave this way, think this way, feel this way . . . we can know we are choosing not to see choices.

That sense of being trapped is an illusion. We are not controlled by circumstances, our past, the expectations of others, or our unhealthy expectations for ourselves. We can choose what feels right for us, without guilt. We have options.

Recovery is not about behaving perfectly or according to anyone else's rules. More than anything else, recovery is about knowing we have choices and giving ourselves the freedom to choose.

Today, I will open my thinking and myself to the choices available to me. I will make choices that are good for me.

We do have freedom of choice. It was that fre edom that kept me coming back to the rooms of 12 Step meetings.

I went to Women for Sobriety when in treatment, the treatment house gave us a choice as to where we felt comfortable. I didn't like it, and vowed never to go back. It moved to a facility a block away, and I decided to go. For me I don't think I could have stayed sober in the fellowship, yet it later gave me a new perspective on my recovery. I stopped going because I didn't find it was spiritual, and it was about the almighty I, with little regard to God almighty, who gives me the good orderly direction as to what I need to do to stay sober.

I was glad that I went to AA before I went to Adult Children of Alcoholics. I was able to get rid of my denial about being an alcoholic, because I identified so much with ACoA's literature, I might have died as a result of my denial.

My sponsor had been in OA, I never went to a meeting. I didn't think I believe I was a true OA member as I didn't have Anorexia or Bulimia. Yet I have an eating disorder, and it is my thinking behind the eating that was an issue. A drug is a drug, no matter what I picked up to suppress my feeling and/or a drug that I felt would help me cope. My body tells me that I need more, and the drug just puts a band aid on things, and I needed to heal and get to the root of the issue, that made me pick up in the first place.

Nothing changes, if nothing changes. I can choose to life or to die. My bother died at the age of 40 due to her disease. She qualified for OA and Al-Anon. When I put on weight, I thought I would die too. Then it got to a stage of I don't care, what is the use. That is not a recovery thought, the 12 Steps are applicable to all areas of my life.