Defects of Character

[MajestyJo]

Forgiving/Resentful

"Forgiving does not erase the bitter past. A healed memory is
not a deleted memory. Instead, forgiving what we cannot forget
creates a new way to remember". We change the memory of our
past into a hope for our future". - - Lewis B. Smedes

Need a whole lot of work on this chip at the best of times, they say it is an Aires nature to be unforgiving. I know it is true when it comes to myself and that I can quite often get mini-resentment and have to use the tools of the program to let them go.

After Thanksgiving last Monday, I am still harbouring a whopper that doesn't seem to want to go. I think I need to reinforce the prayers because I am not too sure that I have been really willing to let them go.

I am certainly not willing to let by gones be by gones. I am not sure I want to have this person in my life any more as the incident was not the first time she promised something and never called to cancel and was a no show. Guess I trust people too much and always expect the best from them, hoping this time will be different. My biggest fault through all this was issuing the invitation in the first place and expecting different results.

Written in 2010

Realized a long time ago that I don't have to pay forever and ever about what I did in the past. It is done, I can't change it, and all I can do is try to be the best me I can be in today. No more "You owe me!" or "That's your job" or "That's your role." I don't allow others to define who I am or who I should be. When I feel like that, I know to pack the bags, and get out of there. Thank God for the program!

They say if you have a resentment against someone to pray for them for three weeks. That includes me, asking my God to heal me.

[schell81208]

Thanks Jo....that is a great way of putting it....I have come to a point in recovery where that mirror that others show of me..is so different from what I see in me...The past is a distant memory...I am grateful for it today since it does help others identify but I no longer hold it as a club over my head or play victim or that I deserve to be punished and put down because of "what i did" ...today I practice patience, tolerance and lots of self care...self care helps me to appreciate the person I am becoming each day..and the place I am in recovery...I am so grateful for now being able to accept compliments from others...and living in that saying on our coins..."to thine own self be true" It is hard to really look at myself sometimes...but I find more and more I am not afraid of who i am today and yes, when I am pin pointed or dragged through the past i can accept it but turn it over and yes the option to just go away is there...we have so many tools in this journey of recovery...learning to use them may take courage and patience with myself...but it does work...Peace, Schell

[MajestyJo]

IDENTIFY/COMPARISON

All my life it seems that I have been in competition. I always wanted to be number one, I wanted to be the center of attention, and my whole attitude was "Feast your eyes upon me, I'm here, I'm here, it's too good to be true, but I'm here, I'm here!" It was a name of a song way back when, and I took it as my theme song.

When I came into recovery, there wasn't much of that bravado left. I was an empty shell. I looked at everyone and I compared instead of identify and I stayed sick. I had to stay away from open speaker meetings because I would walk away and say I didn't do that, or I would shut down and I wouldn't listen, and I wouldn't be open to anything the speaker said.

Today thanks to recovery that is no longer true. I use to look around the rooms and say, "I want what they have!" Today, I go into the rooms, and there are few people who have what I haven't already been given or made aware of. That is not bragging, it is fact. I have worked very, very hard on my recovery for the past twelve years. I have had people come up to me and say, "I want what you have!" I respond with, "Well unless you are prepared to work really really hard and do lots and lot of service, you won't get it." They generally end up walking away.

Many times in recovery it has been lonely, because I have joined groups and women have left. Ironically, I am not in competition. I am not out to run a race. I don't want anyone's man. For most of my recovery, I wouldn't have taken him in a lucky bag, I had a lot of anger issues around men and my past. I had some with women too and that is why I joined a Woman's Group for the first three years of my recovery, and why I am in a CA Women's Group today.

The fellowship is small, it need support, and I have been give many gifts in recovery, much awareness, and a spiritual connection with my God, who has granted me a lot of blessings. I believe those blessing were a result of service, nothing more, nothing less.

I am not bad looking for an old lady, and I find it rather humorous to have women draw their men away from talking to me, I have had women leave the room when I started to share, and I never had a black out when I was drinking but I have in sobriety. I have had at least four relationships that I don't remember feeling a thing.

I was anxious last night when I went to detox that the newcomers may not identify and would shut down and shut off because I was there for CA and I have never used Cocaine or Crack in my life. But the substance doesn't matter, and thankfully I was able to put that message across. The problem is me, and the Twelve Steps are to fix me not my addiction because I have a thinking problem, not a drinking and drug problem, the man one God and I are still working on, although the new relationship is coming up to one year.

Alcohol and drug cause a soul sickness. It is a family disease and affects not just the addict and alcoholic, it affects those around them.

I have been given so much, that at two years I wanted to tell the world. At twelve years, I have been given the opportunity. At three years I questioned my existence, my reason for being. I went to two meetings a day for two years and at least once a day I heard, "Give back what was given to you!"

My tongue was a weapon for many years, I tore strips off of people, I took them apart and forgot to put them back together again. My way of making amends to these people is to share the knowledge that has been given to me, that comes my way from great spiritual teachers, from the newest of newcomers, to the oldest long-timer. Up until two years ago when I took sick, I was still doing seven to 10 face to face meetings a week because of service.

I was told if you aren't in a relationship, get involved in service. If you are having difficulty in your own life, get out of yourself by helping others. If you want to keep it, you have to give it away, but the key is, you have to have it to give.

My spiritual adviser told me that I can learn two things in recovery. How to work it and how not to work it. Take what you need and put the rest on the shelf, although for the first few years it was 'forget' the rest.

Please, don't compare identify. I don't want your recovery and I hope you don't want mine because you may get drunk or go out and use if you do. Please find your own.

Written on another site in June 2004

As long as I compared I stayed sick. When I identified parts of myself in others, I healed.

Our feet may have walked a different path to find recovery, but our minds often told us the same things, and our dis-ease manifested itself in many ways.

I had a little chuckle when I read about people not having what I had. Tsk! Tsk! I need people to remind me where I came from. With my memory, it is good but short. It is always good to have a reminder of where you have been and where you are in today. It is hard to believe it was written ten years ago.

[MajestyJo]

Satisfied/Greedy

Gluttony, greed - Wanting and taking too much: food, sex, time, money, comfort, leisure, material possessions, attention, security. Acquiring things (material things, relationships, attention) at the expense of others.

Yep, that was me in active addiction. God and I have been working on this in recovery. I know that when I become needy, I become greedy.

It is important that I don't allow myself to become 'needy' and recognize that my God meets my needs, anything over and above that is my wants and desires. They are okay in their place but not when it is at the expense of another.

It is nice to give myself some TLC and yet I know that I can spoil myself rotten, and that is not always good. It is not always good to be in a comfortable zone, it generally means time to change. If I get too comfortable, I become complacent. I must remember that it is a one day at a time program, and what I did 10 years ago, or even 10 days ago, doesn't help me in today, except perhaps, if I have already gone through it, a little bit smarter in how to handle things but not always.

Being satisfied and finding acceptance, makes me so grateful when those extra little gifts come my way.

Osho says, "Greed simply means you are feeling a deep emptiness and you want to fill it with anything possible. So drop greed, and don't be bothered about the results. Sometimes it happens that because of your impatience, you miss many things.

[MajestyJo]

"Acceptance says, True, this is my situation at the moment.

I'll look unblinkingly at the reality of it. But I'll also open my
hands to accept willingly whatever a loving Father sends me."

- - Catherine Marshall

"Anxiety – Not as a clinical diagnosis, but as a general way of viewing things with an eye toward what is wrong, what might be wrong, what has been wrong or what is going to be wrong. Excessive worry, especially about things I cannot change

- Realitistic Recovery

Well this is where I am at and what I need to change. Sending prayers and asking for help to stay in today and not project into next week.

Accepting the things I cannot change is difficult and not always easy, accepting the unknown is even more difficult for me. I like to be in the know. Not that I have any more control, just want to know what is happening, probably because I am curious and just plain snoopy, because if I knew, there is no saying I would do anything about it.



I like the fact that I don't have to like it in order to accept it. I know I will not like it, and I can accept the situation is at hand, just not sure what form the situation will take.

I have a feeling that the Serenity Prayer will be said many times, and grateful that I can't wear it out.

Like all things, no matter what I go through, I know that I have to get to a place of acceptance. The nice thing about is is the awareness, that you are there or you are not and you can work towards it.

Just have to leave it all in my God Hands. It is a good thing that He has large Hands.

[MajestyJo]

"Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak…" (James 1:19, NIV)

The slogan Hesitate and Meditate helped me. Stop and think before you speak. I often walk away, think about something, process it, and then share on it.

One time I lost it in the AA office when they said that the Women's Discussion group couldn't be a part of Inter-group and I had to return my papers. I returned my papers, after responding to a poor guy who was on telephone answering service who just said good morning. He was not the person I was angry at but he got the brunt of the outburst. I later thought, just think of what I would have said if I hadn't said the Serenity Prayer for the three blocks it took me to get there.

I made an amend to the person later. And the man who made the statement, came to the group and made an amend.

That was when I was about 3 years sober. Seldom do I think and say it these day. It is generally an accumulation of things that cause me to react.

I do myself and the others an injustice when I am not kind. Quite often it is the sins of someone else or a compound of issues from my past that affect me in today. It also helps me to remember Hugs not Drugs. Drugs come in many forms. Anything that stands between me and who my God would have me be in today.

[MajestyJo]

Have always had an open mind since coming into recovery, especially when it comes to a Higher Power that works for everyone. Especially needed it, to get over the resentment and anger that I felt yesterday.

It is His Grace that brought me here so it is only right I extend grace to others. I tend to be a bit stubborn when it comes to what I believe in. I have trouble letting it go. I can even admit to being a bit smug and have told a few people, "I told you so." It doesn't happen very often in today.

My boss use to say, "I hate it when you are right." He was always out to prove me wrong.

My father use to say I was more contrary than stubborn. This was true in my marriage. I always picked a different team and seldom cheered or the same team as my ex. I cheered for the Saskatchewan Rough Riders because their uniforms were green.

Bridge has helped me to be more gracious to my partner. As I have posted before, the director and owner of the club says, "If you want to find a good partner, be one." Her words stuck with me. She is not program. She is a spiritual lady at heart and a complete agnostic.

When ever I hear open-mind, I think of that other quote I have posted many times, "Don't have such an open mind that everything falls out of it.



An open mind, means that I allow others to speak their truth, that doesn't mean I have to accept it as mine, but allowing them the space to speak and share.

If I look hard enough, I am sure I will find something I need to hear and if I listen hard enough, identify instead of compare, I will see that it is a reflection from within me, something I don't want to deal with. I think of it as their stuff, not mine; when in fact, it takes one to know one.

[MajestyJo]

Outgoing - Withdrawn

I look at it as introverted and extroverted, I was both.

On the whole, for most of my life I was out going. Before it was bolster courage, because I always wanted to fit in and be a part of what ever was the it thing in the moment. A lot was a brave front to hide my low self-esteem and I had little confidence. I wasn't shy, just unsure of myself.

Over the years I have mellowed. Not so out there as I use to be.

In today, I am more withdrawn but thanks to the internet I can connect to others in recovery.

Hoping when the good weather comes, I can get out to meetings. Meetings have always been a healing tool for me, so glad that I can have this connection with all of you. When I am withdrawn, I can isolate my soul and God`s messages don`t always get through all the barriers I put up.

Like all things there is balance.

[MajestyJo]

“When you find peace within yourself, you become the kind
of person who can live at peace with others.” - - unknown

Tolerant/Intolerant

Most days I am, unless I am intolerant of myself.

As they say in the program, if you ask for patience, you get things to tolerate to practice on, quite often that is myself.

As the Al-Anon slogan says, "Let it begin with me." Recovery isn't about the other person, it is about me. Often that other person is a reflection, and more often than not, they have a lesson to teach me. Not just tolerance, but what I see in them, is something within myself that I need to address.

"Intolerance is the most socially acceptable form of
egotism, for it permits us to assume superiority without personal boasting." - - Sydney J. Harris

Most times I am intolerant of myself for being less than, for not measuring up to what I feel I can do or have done in the past. I had to learn to take it easy on myself and not be such a hard task master. Comparison always left me feeling less than or better than, and recovery reminds me that we walk this road together. We each have our own cross to bear, our own idiosyncrasies and our own issues to deal with.

A lot boils down to lower expectations and much more acceptance. I had to remember that some people are just not capable or able to meet my expectations and I really have no right to place them on them.

The insanity of our disease, doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

[MajestyJo]

Humble/Arrogant

Arrogance, conceit- Offensive display of superiority or self-importance; overbearing pride. An excessively favourable opinion of one’s own ability, importance, wit, etc. Being a know-it-all. Telling others how I am better than someone else, or thinking those thoughts to myself.

Lydia at Don't Drink and Die

Don't like to think I am like this. I try to share my experience, strength and hope. Fess up to my foibles and admit to those little things that get in the way in my daily life.

I know that left on my own, I would not be clean and sober today. So many people have been put in my path, great teachers, many who I met on this site.

I tried my way for many years. I am so grateful that I had the 10 years of meetings as a foundation on which to build on in today, I may post a lot on the site. I made a commitment to do certain readings and post which I try to do daily. If something speaks to me, I try to share it with the hope that it will help others.

I love recovery. I love the program. I wouldn't have recovery without the program, the 12 Steps and the 12 Traditions. If I am feeling as though I am being arrogant, then I need to look at where I came from.

Each day truly is a new beginning. God is as He reveals Himself to me in today.

[MajestyJo]

“The truest characters of ignorance are vanity, and pride
and arrogance.” - - Samuel Butler

Heard two things about humility in early recovery. One long-timer said it meant to be remain teachable.

The other long-timer was speaking at a meeting and introduced himself as, Hi, I am Len, I am a humble recovering alcoholic. If you ever hear anyone say they have humility, you know they haven't got it, which broke up the room. He carried a great message to me that night. We can do what I can't do alone. When I think I am running the show, I am running toward a relapse.

First and foremost, come God. My God utilizes people, places and things to show me a better way of life. It is up to me to be humble enough to accept that help and in return pay it forward.

[MajestyJo]

"Be willing to be a beginner every single morning."
— Meister Eckhart

I was told the difference is admitting you don't know it all and willing to learn and be teachable vs thinking you know it all and your way is the only way.

I will always remember a long-timer speaking and saying, "If you hear someone say that they are humble and have humility, you know that the don't." He then turned around and said, "I am a humble man." Of coarse, everyone had a big laugh. It was a known fact to those who knew him that he tended to be quite arrogant at times.

I heard at a meeting, "Humble means to become teachable." I had a guy ask me out for coffee a few years into recovery. He asked, "Do all you do is talk recovery?" I said, "Yes, it is a way of life." I am still talking recovery. I still work the program. I am still a student of recovery. I am on this journey for the long haul. As I have said many times before, "I don't want to know what my Higher Power looks like. If I knew then I might stop looking for Him." I just try to remember to take my Higher Power with me on each day's journey. Sometimes I get lost, make a wrong turn or get side tracked. When I do, I search until I find Him and find my way back home.

posted on another site in 2011

[MajestyJo]

“The truest characters of ignorance are vanity,
and pride and arrogance.” — Samuel Butler

Had to quit posting this morning because I still had my head ache. Ironically, I did look at the word arrogant and thought, the opposite is humility. God must be at work here!

For most of my life, I realized that I was very arrogant. I thought I knew everything and if I didn't, then I made sure I went out and did learn. My boss use to say, "God! I hate it when you are right." It wasn't only the knowing, it was me making sure that you knew I was right too.

Humility was accepting that of myself, I am nothing. It is to remain teachable and open to other ideas other than my own. It is being aware of my faults as well as my strengths and accepting them and knowing that through my God, they can be changed. It is also know that I am loved in spite of them.

Being humble doesn't mean being humiliated. Humble is just saying, "I don't know and being comfortable with the fact." To not know, to not be able to do, was failure, shame and total humiliating. Today, I acknowledge my human nature. Before it was an embarrassment.

[MajestyJo]

Willing/Contrary

"Change is the essence of life. Be willing to surrender what you are for what you could become.” - - unknown

When I got to recovery, I saw everyone doing what I had tried doing for eight years before I got here. They stopped using and stayed stopped. I was sick and tired of being tired and sick, using was no longer an option, it was do or die. I was willing to do whatever it took to stay clean and sober. I use to go around and say, "If they told me to climb a telephone pole once a day and sit for several hours, I would have done it.

I have always had the willingness to stay sober. I have, for the most part, been willing to go to any length to do it. I kept coming and did the do things, because I had a healthy fear of going back out if I did not. I had a lot of people who went back out and did the research for me.

I learned not to trust the people, just because they were in the rooms of recovery, didn't mean they had sobriety. What I did learn to trust was the program. I saw that it worked. Through that trust, I learn to trust a Higher Power, which lead me to be willing to look at myself.

Before I had always been looking outward. I no longer played the blame game, and was willing to look at me. The problem wasn't the substance (pills, alcohol, men, food, work, etc.), it was but a symptom of my disease. The problem was me.

"Courage is simply the willingness to be afraid and act anyway".
- - Robert Anthony

For most of my life I was more willfull than willing. I want what I want and I want it now.

By the time I got to the doors of recovery, I became willing to do what ever it took, not to go back to where I came from. Using was no longer an option, so I was willing to do what was suggested to me. They say they are only suggestions, but I also found them to be, enlightening, if I didn't do, I wouldn't be able to stay sober. My best thinking got me to the doors of recovery.

For the most part, I have kept that willingness. Willing to change, willing to make changes, willing to learn and grow.

I didn't have my won't power! I had problems saying "No" and yet when I should, I couldn't say "No" to the wrong things. Recovery was learning to say no to drugs and abuse. Abuse from myself and others was no longer an option, I was willing to learn to care for myself and learn to live a healthy way of life.

My father told me many years ago that I was contrary, more than I was stubborn. It seemed like I like arguing for argument sake. I wasn't willing to give in and agree, I went kicking and fighting all the way. As they say, "I had to change my attitude in order to recover."

[MajestyJo]

Consistent/Inconsistent

This isn't a chip I do well. Because of my sleeping patterns, I don't get here on a regular basis, but I do try to get here. I do know that when I come here and post, I feel better. My only problem is whether I can think through the pain. It is one thing to copy and paste, the challenge is reading and taking the words off the pages and applying them to my life.

There has to be a solution. Although after typing that, the thought came, perhaps a change in attitude too.

I do like constant in my life. I have always had a lot of insecurity in my life. Like everything else, it is something God and I are working on.

I am consistent in prayer, I am not consistent in praying at the same time every day. As a result, I pray often, when needed, and when I want to ask for healing for others.

Sometimes I slip and fall, and that is okay, because I know my God is consistent and is always there to help me back up.

I don't have to physically pick up, but I can slip mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.